Author: CatHeights
Contact: CatHeights@yahoo.com
Series: VOY
Codes: C/P
Parts: 3
Rating: R; angst; slash, m/m
Archive: Cha_Club, ASCEML, Paris Nights, TPD
Note: Sequel to "Too Much to Take," but the story can be read as a stand alone.

1

In the dim emergency lighting, Chakotay saw sparks briefly illuminate the Flyer’s tactical station. His nosed itched from the scent of burnt circuitry. He needed to check each of the ship’s systems. He already knew communications were offline. Hell, he was pretty sure everything was offline, but he needed to make sure that they were just burnt or fused beyond help, rather than a time bomb waiting to explode.

He remained kneeling next to Tom. He knew he had to get up, but he seemed unable to move from Tom’s side. Chakotay twisted his right hand in his torn and blood-stained gray shirt, while staring at the younger man’s chest and abdomen, which was now partially wrapped in the remains of Chakotay’s uniform jacket. His hands felt numb from having been pressed against Tom for far too long. For a few terrifying moments, he had thought that the bleeding would be endless, that no amount of pressure would stop it, but it had stopped. Now he needed to focus on the Flyer or what was left of it. Still, he didn’t move.

What if Tom was bleeding internally? How would he know? The aft section of the Delta Flyer was crushed, and buried within it were all of the ship’s medical supplies. The small medical kit in the cockpit had been destroyed when the panel near it blew. He had nothing he could use to help Tom — no hypospray, no tricorder. Even if he knew Tom was bleeding internally, what could he do?

Chakotay blinked as his eyes tried to clear the dust that sweat had dripped into them. He rubbed a hand across his eyes trying to relieve the itching but succeeded in only adding a streak of blood down the side of his forehead. It blurred in quickly with the other smudges of dirt and dried blood that marked his face.

He peered at Tom’s stomach, looking for swelling that might indicate internal bleeding, and was thankful that he noticed none. Tom’s breathing seemed even, another good sign. Yet he was still unconscious and that worried Chakotay greatly. His eyes fell on Tom’s blood coated hair. He again looked carefully at the wound there. It was no more than a nasty laceration that had bled a lot. No, that injury didn’t worry him, but what did concern him was the thought that Tom might have suffered a severe concussion or worse when a piece of paneling had slashed across him and knocked him to the floor.

Why was he still unconscious? Chakotay stared at his lover, willing the blue eyes to open, but they remained shut. Maybe they were held closed by the same inertia that seemed to have glued him to Tom’s side. He took a deep breath and choked on the acrid smell that seemed to coat his throat. It was time to get up. For the moment, he had done all he could for Tom. He had to make sure it was safe for them to stay in the ship.

It took every ounce of willpower he had to make himself get up and walk away from Tom. He couldn’t help being afraid that the moment he left, Tom’s condition would worsen or that he’d return to find Tom.... No, he wasn’t going to think that. He couldn’t get hung up on fear or guilt. The anxiety and self-recrimination could be saved for later. If he kept procrastinating, a console blowing or an electrical fire could kill both him and Tom.

Chakotay stumbled through the debris. His right leg ached and felt stiff. He gazed down at it and was surprised to see his pant leg torn, and a deep, clotted gash marking his calf. He hadn’t noticed that before. He hadn’t really noticed much of anything besides Tom lying on the Flyer’s floor, not moving. From the moment he saw that Tom was injured nothing else seemed to penetrate his mind. The sounds and smells of the ship became distant as he focused on applying pressure to Tom’s wound. He had no idea how long he had sat there. He had prayed to the Spirits every prayer he knew as Tom bled for what seemed like an eternity. His prayers, at least temporarily, had been answered.

Coughing as he moved through the ship, he was quickly realizing that he and Tom needed to get off the Flyer very soon. The damage control system was offline. Various gases were leaking into the cockpit, and he had no way to contain the leaks. Feeling lightheaded, Chakotay started to stumble his way toward the emergency hatch. He needed to get some breathable air into the ship.

Getting to the hatch proved to be more difficult than getting it open. With the controls offline and the area beyond the hatch compacted, Chakotay thought he would need to find something to force the opening, but at his push the hatch gave way. The lack of resistance threw Chakotay off balance, and as the hatch flew open, he tumbled with it, rolling out of the ship and falling to the ground with a thud.

He lay on his back stunned for a moment, as mud soaked into his shirt and rain pelted his face. Rain rinsed away sweat, leaving Chakotay chilled. Water poured into his nose and he fought his way upright, coughing. Sitting now, he crouched over, spitting out water and trying to catch his breath. His coughing ceased, and with a groan he stood. His nose and throat burned, but nowhere near as bad as the wound on his leg.

As he peered through the rain looking for a place they could take shelter, Chakotay wondered how the hell Voyager’s sensors could have indicated that this planet’s weather was temperate. He should have known there was something wrong with what the sensors had recorded. A beautiful, seemingly uninhabited planet that possessed a mild temperature, regardless of one's location, and contained lush plant life just didn't make sense. The strangeness of it all had raised questions among the senior staff, but after some discussion it had been decided it was worth the risk to send the Flyer down to investigate. Their fresh food stores were low, particularly as they had been having trouble with the hydroponics bay, and this could be the perfect chance to restock.

The Captain had asked Tom and Chakotay to take the Flyer down to the surface and scan the planet for any possible inhabitants. It was the one thing that had continued to concern them — that something could be masking life signs on the planet. Despite that worry, it had looked like an easy, quick away mission. Something that should have made him wary, but it hadn't. Instead, Chakotay had been eager to go on the mission, hoping it would take his mind off an old sorrow.

He had wanted to throw his mind into work and just get through the day, and so when he entered the Delta Flyer, he had taken the pilot's seat. When Tom stepped inside, he had said with a grin, "You're in my seat."

Chakotay had looked at him calmly and said, "Not today. You get to find out what it's like to fly in this thing as a passenger."

Tom had chuckled, taking a seat at the Ops station. "Fine, just don't hurt the Flyer."

Chakotay grinned, surprised and grateful that Tom had acquiesced so easily. "Deal. Don't worry, we'll bring her back without a scratch."

It had felt good to be flying. He had even discovered that he enjoyed using the little "twentieth century" features that Tom had included when he designed the Flyer. During those minutes before they had entered the planet's atmosphere, Chakotay had found himself relaxing, his mood greatly improving. He had felt in control, and had started to banter easily with Tom. As they entered the planet's atmosphere, he had been thinking how nice it was that just the two of them were on this mission together.

That was the last coherent thing he could remember thinking. Everything else was a blur — a nightmare that still seemed to have hold of him. The moment the Flyer passed into the planet’s atmosphere, it was buffeted by a violent charge that reduced their shields by fifty percent. The gases surrounding the ship seemed to have ignited, sending forth tendrils of energy that appeared intent on crushing the Flyer.

Chakotay remembered Tom cursing as he struggled to reinforce their shields, and then hearing the younger man yell that they were losing structural integrity, that the hull was starting to breach. The screeching sound of metal stretching filled the ship, and the noise had made his jaw clench. He had tried to ignore it and focus on the task at hand, attempting to bring the now plummeting Flyer under control. He had tried every trick he knew to slow down the ship's descent, but it wasn't enough.

The wind and rain continued to blow, but Chakotay didn’t hear the storm crashing around him. Instead in his mind, he heard the sound of the Flyer groaning, and then issuing several loud popping sounds as some of the ship’s inner paneling came loose. He remembered feeling something brush against his shoulder and as he winced from the brief but sharp impact, he realized that he was no longer hearing Tom. There had been no time to call out to see if his lover was okay, though, as the ground came into view. The Flyer impacted, and Chakotay had felt himself thrown forward. When he had finally been able to get up, he had found the ship’s computer to be non-responsive and Tom collapsed behind the Ops station, a bloody piece of panel by his side.

A gust of wind caused Chakotay to take an involuntary step, and he was jolted back to the present. Ignoring the chilling rain that was pouring down his face, Chakotay turned to look at the remains of the Flyer. What had he told Tom? That they would bring her back without a scratch. Well, he had damn well lied. The ship didn’t even resemble the sleek, swift beauty Tom had designed. She was a heap of twisted metal, and it was his fault.

I should have let Tom fly. Why did I have to insist on piloting? If Tom had been flying, he probably could have gotten us down with hardly a scratch. Spirits, why didn’t I let him fly?

A piece of hail glazed his cheek, and Chakotay snapped his head up. Tom. He had to get back to Tom. What the hell was he doing? It wasn’t like him to wallow in self-pity. He had to get a handle on himself. Again, he scanned the horizon, noting some trees and boulders off in the distance. Those should offer some shelter.

He hauled himself back through the emergency hatch, sliding slightly when he hit the now wet floor below. He coughed as his lungs again breathed the gases permeating the ship. Rather than dispersing some of the bad air in the shuttle, the open hatch only seemed to have let in rain. Chakotay brushed away some water dripping down his face and made his way over toward Tom.

His heart stopped as he heard a groan, and then Tom’s voice call out, “Chak?” Leaving a trail of water behind him, Chakotay hurried over to the younger man and knelt down beside him. Spasms traveled up his right leg, but Chakotay ignored them as he took Tom’s hand.

“Chakotay, you all right?” Tom said coughing and struggling to sit up.

“I’m fine. Lay still,” Chakotay said, stopping Tom’s efforts to sit with a gentle hand. “You fared a bit worse than I did.”

Tom lay back down with a hiss of pain. “Damn,” he muttered as he clenched his jaw and closed his eyes.

“Try not to move too much,” Chakotay said softly. “The aft part of the Flyer is pretty much destroyed. I’m sorry, Tom, but I don’t have anything to give you for the pain.”

“I’m all right,” Tom said, opening his eyes again. “Just a twinge in my stomach that reminded me a little too much of the time this Ferengi paid me to deliver some blood wine to a Klingon celebration. Seemed like an easy job at the time, except what I didn’t know was that the barrels were supposed to contain weapons not blood wine. When the Klingons opened one up and blood wine poured out, they were far from pleased.”

Chakotay laughed, incredibly relieved to hear Tom joking. “You’ll have to tell me the rest of that story later.”

“Nothing else to tell. I felt like this when the Klingons were done with me, and I would bet that damn conniving Ferengi would tell you he felt much the same when I was done with him,” Tom said with a faint grin that was wiped away by a cough whose force caused his stomach to burn with pain.

He swallowed and his voice was raspy when he continued. “What happened to me? Last thing I remember is the hull starting to breach. I had still been trying to get a hold of Voyager but communications weren’t working. I couldn’t even put out a distress call.”

Chakotay gave Tom’s hand a light squeeze and said, “The interior panels started coming loose. One of them hit you, slicing across your chest and stomach.”

“Feels like it tried to cut me in half,” Tom said with a groan.

Chakotay’s grasp on Tom’s hand tightened as he remembered his hands covered in Tom’s blood. He had feared the panel had almost cut the younger man in half.

“You sure you’re okay?” Tom asked. Chakotay may have fared better than he, but Tom wasn’t convinced that he was truly fine. Something just wasn’t right. Another thought occurred to him, and he followed his first question with, “And why are you wet?”

“I’m fine. I stepped outside a moment to see if there was any place to take shelter. We need to get off the Flyer. Too many gases are flooding it. I’ve opened vents and that’s helping some, but not enough. The damage control system is offline, so there isn’t any way to control the leaks.”

“Let me guess, the weather on this planet is not even close to temperate.”

Chakotay snorted. “You guessed right. Plenty of wind, rain, and even a bit of hail.”

“Was there some place to take shelter?”

“I could see some trees and boulders in walking distance from where we are now. They should provide us with some protection from the elements.”

“Ah, I would have preferred a cabin with a hot tub, but I guess that will have to do,” Tom said through clenched teeth. He waited for the sharp, cutting pain that had twisted through him to dull before he added, “Well what are we waiting for? Let’s get out of here. At least outside, every breath won’t make me feel green.”

“Let me just make sure there is no danger of the warp core breaching, and then we’ll get out of here. Will you be all right for a few minutes?” Chakotay gazed at him worriedly.

“I’ll be okay. Check the warp core. As much as I’m beginning to hate this planet, I don’t want to see it or us wiped out by a breach.” Tom waved his other hand weakly. “Go, I’ll hang out down here for a little bit.”

Chakotay smiled. “I’ll be right back, love.” He kissed Tom lightly on his cheek, and then after giving one last squeeze to the younger man’s hand, Chakotay got back to his feet.

After making sure that the core was in no danger of breaching, Chakotay returned to where Tom was laying. Tom had his eyes closed, and his face was pinched with pain. Looking at the extreme paleness of his lover’s face, Chakotay wondered if it was too dangerous to move him. He had no idea if Tom had any internal injuries that might be aggravated by movement. Fear crept its way around his heart, and for a second, he was frozen in indecision. Then, Tom began coughing and gasping for breath. As he knelt beside Tom, Chakotay knew there was no other choice. The air in the Flyer was not improving. Coughing and struggling to breathe could cause just as much damage to Tom as moving could.

Sensing Chakotay’s presence, Tom opened his eyes. “You ready?” Tom asked between gasps.

“We’re all set. Let’s get you up.” Chakotay carefully slipped an arm underneath Tom’s shoulders and helped him to a sitting position.

“Shit,” Tom hissed once he was semi-upright. He felt like he had left part of his stomach lying on the floor. He leaned heavily against Chakotay. “Give me a sec,” he gasped.

Rubbing Tom’s shoulder, Chakotay said, “Take all the time you need. We’ll leave when you’re ready.”

A series of coughs shook his body, and Tom pressed a hand against his ribs as he tried to resist the urge to bend over. He didn’t even want to imagine the pain that action would cause. When he was able to speak again, he said, “Nice sentiment, Chak, but I’m really not into asphyxiation. Too much time breathing this shit, and we’ll be too loopy to find our way out.” He took a deep breath, resisting the urge to cough again as the acrid air coated his throat. “Help me up.”

Chakotay helped Tom to his feet, and then guided the taller man to lean against him for support. He gave Tom a few seconds to recover from the ordeal of standing up before he started to slowly move toward the emergency hatch. He frowned as his foot slid slightly. “Be careful not to slip,” he warned Tom. “I thought opening the hatch might clear up this air, but all it’s done is add water to the mess.”

Tom didn’t respond as his mind was trying to take in the amount of damage to the Flyer. Lying on the floor, he had assumed that things were bad, but bad didn’t even come close to describing the shape of the ship. He thought disaster area would probably be more appropriate. As they navigated the debris cluttering the Flyer’s floor, Tom felt like Chakotay was leading him through an obstacle course. “I’m beginning to consider us lucky,” Tom muttered.

“What did you say?” Chakotay asked stopping in concern.

“Nothing important. Just muttering to myself. Let’s get out of here.”

With Chakotay’s help, Tom made his way to and out of the emergency hatch. He leaned on the Flyer for support as he watched Chakotay struggle to close the broken hatch so that the rain wouldn’t flood ship. He shivered as hail began to pelt him. This sucked. He would have laughed at his understatement, if he hadn’t feared that the exertion would cause him to collapse.

His body screamed for him to just lie back down. It would be so nice just to close his eyes and sleep. Tom fought to keep his eyes open and to remain standing. He just needed to find enough energy to make it over to the forest. He squinted off in the distance. Why did those trees seem incredibly far away? Tom just wanted to feel a transporter beam wrapping around him and taking him back to Voyager.

The crew had to know that something had gone wrong. Why hadn’t they transported them off this hellhole? Tom figured it was probably the same reason he hadn’t been able to contact Voyager — something was causing major interference. You can get in, but you can’t get out, Tom thought without humor.

Pieces of hail settled in Tom’s hair, and rain dripped down onto his neck. The water trailed down his back, and Tom shivered as the wind blew strongly. He groaned involuntarily and tried to stop shivering. Damn, it hurt. He was beginning to think that it would have been better to stay inside the Flyer and choke on the air.

Chakotay secured the hatch and moved over to Tom. He heard the younger man groan and saw that he was shivering. Looking at Tom’s pale face and his pinched, pained expression, Chakotay knew that Tom’s strength wouldn’t last much longer. The wind howled, and Chakotay didn’t waste time trying to yell to Tom. He slipped up beside him, and placed a gentle hand on the younger man’s shoulder. Tom didn’t speak either, he just nodded wearily and put his arm around Chakotay’s shoulders, trying to support as much of his own weight as he could.

The mud clung to their feet as they fought to walk against the bitter wind. Tom’s shivering was growing worse, and Chakotay began to fear that if he wasn’t already, the younger man might soon be suffering from hypothermia. He needed to get Tom out of this mixture of rain and hail, and somehow get him warm.

Keeping his eyes cast downward to avoid bits of hail, Chakotay gazed at the seemingly endless stream of mud that they were traipsing through. At least this mud was more sticky than slippery. He remembered a day forever burned into his memory when he had been trying to hurry across broken stone walks whose cracks seeped with mud. On each step he took, he had slid and feared that both he and Terek would go tumbling.

The rain then hadn’t been nearly this bad. It had been warm at least, still it seemed like he had walked through empty streets forever before he found the passageway. They had constantly been on the alert for Cardassians troops. He had expected to hear phaser fire at every moment, but they had managed to stay ahead. They had gotten Terek inside, and Chakotay remembered the mud marking the stairs as they headed down. Miserable mud that had slowed down his every step, just as it did now.

By the time they entered the forest, Chakotay was almost completely supporting Tom. Despite the howling of the wind and the thrashing of the trees, he could hear the younger man’s pained gasps. The dense covering of foliage provided some protection from the rain, at least until the wind shook one of the trees violently letting loose a flood of water. There was a huge boulder off to his right, and Chakotay headed for it, hoping it would serve to block the wind.

Luck was finally with him as the boulder did provide some protection. He eased Tom to the ground, frowning as mud soaked into his lover’s hair. For a moment he got an image of the mud reaching up to envelop Tom, sucking him into the ground. It was then that he was almost positive that Tom was dead. That he had been dead even before they entered the forest. Just like with Terek, he had made a mistake and underestimated the extent of the injuries.

The sound of coughing pulled him from his morbid thoughts. What the hell was wrong with him? Tom wasn’t dead. He was right here shivering. Chakotay spread out next to him, and pulled Tom into his arms. Hoping that even though it was wet, his own body would provide some warmth to his lover.

“It’s so damn cold,” Tom said. His voice was barely a whisper. Chakotay doubted he would have been able to hear him if he hadn’t been so close.

He kissed Tom’s forehead. “I know. Just hang on. Voyager will locate us soon.” He prayed he was right because he didn’t know how much more Tom could take.

He moved as close as possible to Tom, making sure there was no distance between them. His right leg felt stiff and had begun to itch, but he didn’t want to scratch it for fear that he might jar Tom. Suddenly Chakotay realized something had changed, he wasn’t hearing the sound of the wind anymore. All he heard was silence. The storm had ceased.

Chakotay resisted the urge to burst into hysterical laughter. They could have breathed the air in the shuttle for a bit longer. If he had waited, they probably wouldn’t have had to battle the storm. Oh Spirits, was this payment for years of arrogance in believing he hadn’t been at fault. Was he to lose Tom because of something he had sworn was not his fault but obviously was?

He thought he had come to terms with all of this year ago, that there had been nothing he could have done differently. He had believed that his sadness each year could be attributed to memory — a memory that had been growing dimmer. Were the spirits making him pay? Had he misunderstood all these years? Dared to try to forget?

He looked down at Tom. The younger man’s eyes were closed, and he had stopped shivering. “Tom?” Chakotay said and got no answer. He put a finger lightly against Tom’s lips and felt the younger man’s breath. “Please don’t take him from me,” he whispered. “I thought...” He didn’t know what he thought. Part of him realized that he was getting things wrong, but he couldn’t think straight. His head hurt, his leg itched, and most of all he wasn’t sure if Tom would ever open his eyes again.

He tried to think of something he could do, but nothing came to mind. Fear filled Chakotay’s heart, and there was nothing he could do to keep it at bay. He had always been able to center himself, but that ability had deserted him. All he could think of was that he had truly lost Tom, and it was his own fault.

Caught up in guilt, misery, and flashbacks from the past, Chakotay didn’t even recognize the sound of the transporter as it wrapped around he and Tom taking them back to the safety of Voyager.

“Tom, are you all right?”

He turned to see Chakotay hopping off of a bio bed and heading over to him. His expression was anxious, and he looked exhausted.

“I feel fine. What about you? You look like you could use some sleep,” Tom said concerned.

Relief flooded Chakotay’s features, as he took Tom’s hand. “I’m fine now,” he said and kissed the younger man.

Tom frowned and was about to ask Chakotay if his answer meant he hadn’t been fine before when the Doctor approached.

“Ah, Mr. Paris, now that you’re awake let’s see how you are doing.” The Doctor scanned Tom, finishing with a satisfied smile. “No complications. Once again, I’ve put you back together.”

“Thanks Doc,” Tom said with a grin. “How long have I been out?”

“Almost eight hours. You had lost a substantial amount of blood and had started to go into shock by the time you were beamed here.” The Doctor’s expression turned serious as he continued, “While I’ve healed all of your injuries, you do need to take it easy for the next two days. Is that understood? No skiing or running any other strenuous programs.”

“Perfectly clear, Doc. So does that mean I’m released?” Tom asked.

“I see no reason why you can’t return to your quarters as long as you agree to take it easy,” the Doctor said.

“What about Chakotay?”

The Doctor looked annoyed. “The Commander was released hours ago. He had a concussion and a nasty wound on his right leg. After I had treated and monitored those ailments, I told him to return to his quarters to rest, but he refused. He insisted on staying here until you awoke, so I made him rest on a biobed.”

“Stubborn patients keep you on your mettle,” Tom said with a grin as the Doctor glared at him. His smile turned soft, and he said to Chakotay, “You picking up my slack?”

“Someone has to,” Chakotay responded with a smile. He still held Tom’s hand firmly in his own.

"I'm going to get changed, and then let's get out of here," Tom said giving Chakotay's hand a squeeze. He went to remove his hand from Chakotay's grasp and was surprised when the older man didn't immediately release it. He had to actually give a little tug before Chakotay let go of his hand, and even then Tom could tell it was done reluctantly.

"I'll be right back," Tom said reassuringly, but before he could hop off the biobed, the Captain entered sickbay.

"Tom, it's good to see you up. How are you feeling?" the Captain asked.

"Perfect. I've already pestered the Doc into letting me leave," Tom said with a grin.

Kathryn chuckled. "Glad to hear it."

"Captain, while I was vacationing here, did the crew figure out what happened when we entered the planet's atmosphere?" Tom asked. Next to him, he felt Chakotay tense, and Tom wondered why.

"Partially," the Captain replied with a grimace. "As far as we can tell, this planet has a natural defense system. There is no sign of any technology creating a field, but the atmosphere reacts violently to any "foreign" substance that it encounters. It immediately begins trying to counteract what it sees as an invasion. The resulting battle wreaks havoc on the planet's weather pattern."

"So basically to that atmosphere we were some nasty germ invasion that it had to stamp out," Tom said.

"That analogy works," the Captain said with a smile.

“You know, I doubt we would have been able to eat any of the plant life down there anyway. If the other plants were anything like the trees, they weren’t coming up easy. The wind down there was brutal, but I don’t recall seeing a single branch or a leaf fall from any of the trees. Of course I was out of it at times. Chakotay, do you remember seeing any debris from those trees?”

Chakotay took a moment to answer, and when he did, his expression was bitter. “No, I didn’t see any leaves, just mud.” The last word was said in a tone of absolute disgust.

“Yeah, there was a lot of mud,” Tom agreed, as he glanced oddly at Chakotay.

“I suspect you’re right. The plant life would have had to adjust to those conditions to survive, so it probably would have been a bit difficult to gather, let alone cook,” Kathryn agreed.

Tom chuckled. “I can just picture Neelix trying to figure out how to work with food that can’t be cut.” His expression sobered, and he said, "This is probably a silly question, but were you able to recover much of the Flyer?"

"Some. Don't worry, we'll build a new one," Kathryn said to Tom, but her eyes were on the Commander. "Chakotay," she said softly. "Are you okay?"

Tom turned sideways and saw that his lover looked pale. Concerned, he placed a hand on Chakotay's arm, only to feel that he was shaking.

"I'm fine. Just tired," Chakotay said. "Shall we get out of here Tom?"

"Actually Commander, before you leave, I'd just like to run one more scan," the Doctor said.

"Doctor that really isn't necessary. I was fine when you told me I was released hours ago; nothing has changed." Chakotay's voice was his normal even tone. He sounded fine, but Tom was far from convinced.

"Humor the Doctor, Chakotay, while Tom gets changed," Kathryn said. "Tom, Harry brought some clothes by for you earlier. Why don't I show you where he put them?"

Tom nodded and then turned to Chakotay, "I think you're outnumbered. I'll be right back."

Chakotay sighed. "Seems like you're right. Okay Doctor, get your scan over with, so we can get out of here." His eyes followed Tom until the younger man moved out of his line of sight.

Once they were out of Chakotay's sight and hearing, Tom said, "Captain, what happened while I was out? Is something wrong with Chakotay?"

"There's nothing necessarily wrong with him. It's just that since you've returned, he hasn't been quite himself. The Doctor thinks he really needs to get some rest.”

“Why?” Tom crossed his hands over his chest. He wanted the whole story.

“When we got you back to the ship, Chakotay believed you were dead. He was adamant that you were and claimed it was his fault. Nothing we said could convince him otherwise. The doctor didn’t want to sedate him until he had a chance to treat the concussion, but he needed to stabilize you first. So, B’Elanna and Harry tried to distract Chakotay.”

Tom felt his stomach twist at the thought that Chakotay had believed him dead. It was bad enough to fear losing someone, let alone to believe that it had really happened. No wonder Chakotay had been reluctant to let go of his hand. “Go on,” he said, knowing the Captain had more to tell him.

“After a while, B’Elanna and Harry were able to calm Chakotay down some. B’Elanna told me, though, that he kept repeating that it was all his fault, and asking the spirits not to do this, to forgive him because he hadn’t understood.”

The Captain paused, looking as if she were choosing her next words carefully. “Tom, can you tell me what happened on the mission?”

“Sure, there’s not much to tell. As soon as we hit the atmosphere, it was like we had flown into some living mass. Shockwaves wrapped around the ship. I tried to contact Voyager, but got no response. The first shock that hit us knocked our shields down by 50 percent, and each additional wave took another chip at them. I tried to reinforce them, but I had no luck. Then the Flyer’s hull started to breach. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up on the floor. Chakotay told me the damage control system was offline and the ship was filling with gases. Figuring breathing was pretty important, we decided to brave the weather outside, and we headed over to a forest that had these huge boulders in it. Besides thinking that I’d never seen trees with so many leaves and that it was freezing, I don’t remember anything else.”

Tom’s eyes narrowed as a suspicion hit him. “Captain, you’re not thinking that there is anything to Chakotay saying this was his fault, because I’ll tell you there is no way that is possible. When Chakotay helped me up, and I saw the condition of the Flyer, all I could think of was that we were very lucky to be alive. He’s the one who stopped my bleeding, and got me out of a ship filled with noxious gases. You say he had a concussion. Well that would account for some confusion. Throw in the effects of the being drenched, bruised, freezing, and having to help me, and of course he would be confused and exhausted.”

Kathryn held up a placating hand. “I agree with you Tom. I’m not making any accusations. I just had to be sure. Chakotay told me pretty much what you said.”

“But, because of his earlier behavior, you couldn’t be sure if you were getting the whole story,” Tom said, starting to calm down. It was after all standard procedure to get a report from both members of an away mission.

“Unfortunately, yes. Plus since he’s been back, Chakotay hasn’t slept at all. The Doctor tried to give him a mild sedative, but Chakotay wouldn’t let him. He did agree to lie down on a biobed, but he never closed his eyes, he kept them on you.”

The Doc had said he had been out for almost eight hours. Tom ran his hand through his hair. Once his body was warm and no longer injured, Chakotay must have felt an incredible urge to just sleep, yet he had resisted, even after having been told that Tom was fine. Why? Tom sighed. “Captain, do you mind if I get changed now?”

“Of course, Tom,” Kathryn said. She walked over to a nearby biobed, picked up a pile of clothes and handed them to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. I think sleep would be a good idea, all around,” Tom said starting to head to the bathroom to change.

“Tom, if Chakotay continues to have trouble sleeping...” Kathryn started to say.

“Don’t worry, I’ll have him come see the Doc.”

“Good. Get some rest,” Kathryn said. She squeezed his shoulder gently, and then walked back over to the Doctor and Chakotay.

Tom stripped his sickbay clothes off quickly and hurriedly dressed, eager to get back to Chakotay. He had a feeling that what was bothering Chakotay was more than just what had happened when the Flyer crashed. Tom had realized last night that something was weighing heavily on Chakotay’s mind. When he had asked if anything was wrong, he had of course gotten a, “no I’m fine.” He had decided to let it go for a bit, and if the melancholy he sensed persisted, then he would push Chakotay to talk. Well, the waiting was over; it was time for his lover to share what was bothering him.

Relieved to be in his own clothes, Tom walked back over to Chakotay. He was greeted by a wide smile. He grinned in return, meeting his lover’s eyes and searching them for any sign of distress. All he saw was tiredness.

“Well, Captain, may we leave now?” Chakotay asked.

“Of course gentlemen,” Kathryn said with a smile. “I’ve given you the next five days off. Take it easy.”

“Thanks, Captain,” Tom said. “We’ll put them to good use. And I promise, I’ll wait until tomorrow to go skiing.” He grinned at the Doctor’s glare.

Chakotay chuckled. “Don’t worry, I won’t let him anywhere near a ski slope.”

Pretending to be indignant, Tom said, “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

With a wink, Chakotay said, “Oh, I am.”

Tom laughed as the Captain, chuckling herself, said, “Out, both of you.” When Tom met her eyes, he could see the same relief he felt at Chakotay’s joining in on the teasing. It had been one hell of a day, and everyone had moments where it was just too much, including Chakotay.

Once they were out in the corridor, Tom said, “Worked like a charm.”

Chakotay looked at him curiously. “What did?”

“Distracting them from coming up with any more excuses for us to stay in sickbay. See by the time I was done, they were asking us to leave.”

Grinning, Chakotay said, “I think I helped some.”

”Immensely, as always.”

Tom’s lips were slightly curled, and Chakotay thought he had never looked more beautiful. The hallway was empty, so he thought what the hell. He lightly tugged Tom’s arm, causing him to stop walking. Then, he pulled the younger man into his arms, and kissed him.

“I like it when you’re impulsive,” Tom said when the kiss ended.

“Me too,” Chakotay said softly as they continued walking.

They headed to Chakotay’s quarters, as that was where Tom spent most of his nights anyway. Once inside, Tom said, “I’m starving. What about you, are you hungry?”

“Sure.”

“I’m going to get some tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. What do you want?”

“I’ll have the same. I’ll get it, you sit down,” Chakotay said heading over to the replicator.

Tom sighed, resisting the urge to tell Chakotay that he could have gotten the meal. He knew it probably made Chakotay feel better to take care of things. In his eyes, Tom was the one who needed rest. He wondered at Chakotay’s meal choice. It wasn’t that the older man didn’t like tomato soup; it just wasn’t something he normally chose.

He took a seat at the table, and when Chakotay brought the soup over, Tom’s stomach grumbled.

Chakotay laughed. “You weren’t kidding about being hungry.”

“I never kid about food,” Tom said as he took a spoonful of soup. It tasted wonderful, and he loved the feeling of the steam from the bowl hitting his face. He took a few more spoonfuls and then a bit of his grilled cheese sandwich. He polished off half of the sandwich and was about to begin on the other half when he noticed that Chakotay hadn’t touched his food at all. He was just staring off into the distance.

He put his spoon down and said, “Hey, tomato soup tastes awful when it gets cold. Trust me.”

“What?” Chakotay asked, looking at Tom a bit dazed.

“Your soup. It’s getting cold,” Tom said concerned.

“Oh.” Chakotay picked up his spoon and began to eat.

After a moment, Tom continued eating. They’d talk later. When they were both finished, Tom insisted on taking the used dishes back to the replicator. Chakotay went over to the couch and sat down, and when Tom was done clearing the table, he joined him.

“You seemed pretty out of it while we were eating,” Tom said.

“Just thinking,” Chakotay said, as he took Tom’s hand, tracing patterns along the top of it.

“About what?”

“Nothing in particular.”

Tom sighed. “You remember when I told you that if something was bothering me, I’d tell you about it, and that I hoped you would talk to me if something was bothering you? You would talk to me if something was on your mind, wouldn’t you?”

Chakotay squeezed Tom’s hand but didn’t answer right away. Of course he remembered when Tom had said that. It had been on the first night they had made love. Afterwards, he had woken to find that Tom wasn’t in the bed. Tom had been lying on the couch in his living area, and Chakotay had been afraid that the younger man might have had a nightmare, as they had been plaguing him recently. Tom had said he was fine and asked Chakotay to trust that if there was something wrong, he would tell him.

He did trust that if something was ever bothering Tom, he would say something, and he wanted Tom to feel that same trust. Still, he didn’t know where to begin. Everything was blurring together. Once the Doctor had treated him, he had felt his panic ebb. He knew that Tom was okay, but despite that knowledge, he couldn’t bring himself to let Tom out of his eyesight. He needed to be there when Tom opened his eyes.

He knew he had been mixing memories from his past with the present, but even though it was irrational, he still couldn’t get rid of the guilt that gnawed at him. Nothing made sense at the moment. He finally admitted that he was just too tired to try to sort everything out, let alone explain what he was feeling.

He opened his mouth to tell Tom that it wasn’t that he didn’t trust him; it was just that right now he had no idea what he was thinking. Couldn’t they just talk things over in the morning after they had both slept and put this day behind them? Instead of this plea to not talk now, he found himself saying in a choked voice, “I’m sorry Tom. I’m so sorry.”

Moving closer, Tom placed a hand on Chakotay’s thigh. “What are you sorry for?”

Chakotay squeezed his eyes closed. “I should have let you fly. If you had been piloting, we would have been better off.”

Tom looked at Chakotay in shock. He had never imagined Chakotay blaming himself for the crash. “Chakotay, look at me. You are in no way responsible for our crashing. You did a hell of job getting the Flyer to slow down enough so that there was something for us to crawl out of. Do you think I’m a good pilot?”

Although he was a little surprised by the question, Chakotay answered instantly. “The best.”

“Well then, I would know if there was something you could have done to prevent us from crashing. And I’m telling you that there was nothing you could have done differently.”

Chakotay sighed, feeling some of the tension fall away. Tom was right, and he knew it; there was nothing he could have done to prevent that crash. As far as the crash was concerned, he was holding onto needless guilt.

“Thanks,” he said. “I know you’re right. It’s just right now nothing is making sense.”

Tom leaned over and kissed Chakotay. “That’s because you’re exhausted. I think it’s time to end this day and get some sleep. What do you think?”

“I agree,” Chakotay said, and they both stood.

“You get cleaned up first,” Tom said.

Chakotay nodded, but before walking away he ran his hand along Tom’s face and said, “I love you.” He followed the words with a gentle kiss.

Tom smiled. “I love you too.”

Chakotay got ready for bed quickly, and Tom took his turn. When he returned, Chakotay was already in the bed with the covers turned down on Tom’s side. Tom slipped under the covers and told the computer to turn off the lights. “Good night,” he said and kissed Chakotay. He slipped an arm around the other man.

“Good night,” Chakotay said with a yawn. His eyelids felt heavy, and now that Tom was here next to him, he gave into sleep.

Tom remained awake for a while listening to Chakotay’s breathing. He was positive there was something else bothering Chakotay, but it was more important now that he got some sleep. There would be time tomorrow to talk. Assured that Chakotay was sleeping peacefully, Tom closed his own eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep.

Tom woke suddenly, his heart pounding. He was surprised when his heart didn’t stop pounding. It always did when he woke like this. He sat up as an arm hit him, and Chakotay yelled, “Don’t do this.”

No wonder his heart hadn’t stopped pounding; it was Chakotay’s yelling that had woken him. Scrambling to his knees and trying to avoid being hit by his lover, Tom said, “Chakotay, wake up.”

“Give me a chance to make amends in another way. Please, don’t take him. Don’t do this,” Chakotay said his hand clenching the sheet.

Tom called for the lights at 20 percent, and then gave Chakotay a gentle push while he said loudly, “Chakotay, wake up. Now.”

Chakotay’s eyes flew open, as he again began to yell, “don’t,” but this time he didn’t finish the word. His expression a mixture of relief and awe, he exclaimed, “Tom,” and pulled the younger man into his arms.

Not expecting to be tugged down, Tom collapsed awkwardly onto Chakotay. His lover didn’t seem to notice. He just whispered, “thank you,” and hugged Tom tightly.

Tom carefully disengaged himself from Chakotay’s grasp, so that he was once again kneeling beside him. He rubbed Chakotay’s arm and said softly, “It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

Chakotay took a deep breath and sat up. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. Tom stayed next to him, one of his hands resting comfortingly on Chakotay’s arm. Tom didn’t say anything; he knew how disorienting it was to wake up from a nightmare. The last thing one needed was to be asked a question when you were still repeating to yourself that it was only a dream.

Eventually Chakotay’s breathing evened out and he opened his eyes. “Just a bad dream. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for that,” Tom said. “Was the dream about what happened today?”

“Partly,” Chakotay said, his expression completely controlled.

Tom resisted the urge to groan at Chakotay’s single word answer. He knew that his friends often complained that he kept too much to himself, but in his opinion Chakotay was worse than he was.

“And partly whatever has been bothering you recently?”

Chakotay looked at him surprised. “What do you mean?”

Tom gave him a small grin. “Come on Chakotay. You don’t think I let you pilot the Flyer with no argument because I’m a pushover, do you? I knew something has been bugging you since yesterday and figured flying might help you work things out.”

Chakotay smiled ruefully. “Thanks. I should have known. So you didn’t quite believe me telling you last night that nothing was bothering me.”

“Not at all. I figured you might need to think things through a bit more on your own. Now, though, I think you need to talk about this.”

“You’re not going to let me get away without talking, are you?”

“Would you let me?”

“No,” Chakotay said with a grin.

“Well then why would I let you? Please Chakotay, tell me what is bothering you. It will help,” Tom pleaded.

Chakotay took a deep breath. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“It doesn’t matter. Just start talking. What you need to tell will come,” Tom said as he moved off his knees to sit on the bed.

Smiling, Chakotay said, “You sound like my spirit guide.”

“Ah, I knew this day would come when you’d recognize my wisdom.”

“Yes, just like my spirit guide, you drive me nuts by being inexplicable.”

Tom laughed. “Ooh big word.”

“I’m good with BIG things,” Chakotay said with a grin.

Tom groaned, grabbed his pillow and nailed Chakotay with it. Laughing, Chakotay caught the pillow, and tossed it back at Tom who put it against the wall and then leaned up against it.

Both men were quiet for a moment, and then Chakotay said, “When I was younger, I wished I was one of my older brothers, but not because I wanted to be like them. They clung to the old ways, and I wanted to be part of what I considered the modern world. It would be a long time before I understood the value of my people’s traditions. No I wanted to be like them because they were always ordering me around, and my father insisted on my listening to them. I wanted to be the one giving the orders.”

“I can picture that. You still like to be the one giving the orders,” Tom said with a grin.

“Okay, so some things don’t change,” Chakotay said with a laugh and fond gaze at Tom. It seemed so natural to open up to Tom. If he had just talked about it all last night, he might have saved himself a lot of grief. Maybe it wouldn’t have been weighing so heavily on his mind when they had crashed, but then again, maybe it still would have.

Pushing these distracting thoughts away, Chakotay continued, “I had a cousin who was four years younger than me. His name was Terek, and in our younger years, he had the good taste to look up to me.” A brief smile crossed his face as he heard Tom’s chuckle at that remark.

“Terek took my orders, and he expected me to know more than he did. He didn’t follow me blindly though. He asked questions and expected me to answer those questions with something he could learn from. In many ways, he gave me my first lesson in command. I learned that barking orders was the part of command that mattered the least. Terek’s trust and respect meant a heck of a lot more. As the years went by, our relationship slowly became more equal, and my cousin became one of my closest friends.

Even when I went off to Starfleet Academy, and Terek remained behind on Dorvan, we remained close. We’d have arguments sometimes over our people’s traditions. Terek thought that those traditions could be applied to today. He said while some things were outdated, the bulk of our beliefs would stand us well as we moved through life. I disagreed; I didn’t see how those archaic beliefs could do anything but hold our people back. Terek had found early a balance between the old and the new. By the time he was sixteen, he had already gained a sense of peace that would elude me for years.”

Tom tried to imagine what a Chakotay who didn’t possess that calm center would be like. All he could come up with was that he would be nothing like the man who now sat before him.

In his mind, Chakotay could picture Terek, and he was greatly relieved. Last night, when he had tried to recall what his cousin had looked like, his mind drew a blank. That lapse had terrified him. He had no pictures of his cousin here in the Delta Quadrant, nothing that he could use to reinforce his memory, and it seemed almost blasphemous that his mind could forget.

Talking, though, had brought all his memories to the surface, and he could now picture Terek clearly. He could see the man’s thin face with those dark brown eyes that seemed to pierce through any problem, disregarding the irrelevant, and quickly finding a solution. His voice was deep and always calm. He never needed to raise it, not even in an argument. A confidence that was never boastful seemed to wrap around the man making it difficult to argue with him.

He would have made a fine leader for his people, Chakotay thought with a pang of loss. He closed his eyes briefly, and then said, “Terek joined the Maquis right in the beginning. When I finally joined up and got command of a cell, we joined forces. Terek was my right hand, my link to my people, and family. My father was dead, and my brothers had been caught early on by the Cardassians. Terek too had lost his father. We both understood what was at stake, and what we had already lost.

Despite his being younger than I, Terek understood quickly that the rules had changed. He had a ruthlessness that I wouldn’t learn until he died. I don’t mean that he was cruel; he was a good man. I just mean he that he grasped the idea that in the Maquis sometimes you had to do things that you normally would never do. In certain situations, mercy can be the ultimate cruelty, a weakness exploited. On the other hand, I had a better understanding of how to fight a battle, and what technology we needed. We were a good team together.”

Chakotay’s right foot had gotten tangled in the sheet, and he removed it kicking the sheets away from him. He sighed and glanced at Tom. This was the hard part. He could see the compassion in those blue eyes, and knew the younger man understood.

“Go on,” Tom said. “Tell me what happened.”

“We had a contact, a Bajoran,” Chakotay said disgustedly. “Well at least we thought he was Bajoran. He turned out to be a Cardassian medically altered to look like a Bajoran. You think my previous experience would have helped me detect Seska.”

“Cardassian operatives are good. Wouldn’t you be if you knew failure meant not only the loss of your own life, but also that of your family? Ruthlessness would be a necessity. There’s no way you could have known in either case,” Tom said firmly.

Chakotay nodded acknowledging the truth in Tom’s statement. “Well we were supposed to look over a shipment of weapons, and more importantly medical supplies with this contact. We hadn’t been on the planet for more than five minutes when my ship hailed me. Maquis intelligence had found out, almost too late for us, that our contact was a Cardassian plant. I lost contact with the ship. I found out later they were having problems of their own, two Cardassian warships. They were a good crew, and eventually managed to evade the warships, but wouldn’t be able to return for us until a day later, when that had gotten reinforcements. ”

Tom could see the bitterness on Chakotay’s face, and his heart twisted as he listened to the older man’s tale.

“Realizing his cover was blown, the operative fired at me. It should have been I who was hit, but Terek pushed me out of the way and took a phaser hit to his side. Kurt, you remember him, was also with us, and he quickly took out the operative. I went to help Terek, who was trying to get to his feet, and we headed out quickly, knowing that the Cardassian troops who were waiting to ambush us at the shipment site would be hunting for us shortly.”

“We hurried across the streets of Kruchian. That’s on Torax, one of the border colonies the Federation ceded,” Chakotay said his lips curling into a sneer. “She had been a beautiful city once with a full populace. The Cardassians had evacuated all her citizens forcefully, leaving the city to rot. The stone streets and pavements were broken. Rain began to fall, and at first I was thankful. Kruchian was unbearably hot, but that rain began to fall harder and mud began to well up from the broken stones making the ground slippery.”

Tom recalled Chakotay’s disgust earlier when he had said he had seen no leaves, just mud. He had thought it odd then, but in light of what he was now hearing, it made a lot of sense.

“We entered a house that looked like it had seen some fire damage, and I sat Terek down to look at his wound. He kept arguing that we didn’t have time for that. The phaser burn was deep, and while it hadn’t bled a lot, there was a huge amount of bruising and swelling. I told him to stay seated, while Kurt and I peered outside for any sign of Cardassians. We were still too close to the site. I knew the city had a series of underground passageways that would be a perfect place to hide, but the closest entrance was quite a distance away, over two hours. I didn’t think it was wise for Terek to go that distance being injured, however, I also didn’t relish the prospect of the three of us being caught by the Cardassians.

In the end, we jointly decided we had no choice but to head for the passageway. We had no idea when or if our ship would return, and we needed a safe place to take refuge. I supported Terek, leaning his shivering body against mine, while Kurt stayed armed and kept a vigil for our being followed. The rain was coming down in buckets, and the slippery mud coating the stones slowed our every step. I feared that I was going to trip and bring Terek tumbling down with me. I was constantly on the alert for the sound of phaser fire, although with the noise of the torrential rain, I don’t know if I would have heard it. I could barely hear Kurt who was right next to me.”

Chakotay took a breath and then continued. “It seemed like we walked forever, and still the rain didn’t stop. Our clothes were splattered with mud, and Terek was unconscious. As we walked the last blocks, Kurt helped me carry Terek. We found the passageway and headed slowly down the steep stairs tracking mud with us as we went. Finally we reached the bottom and eased Terek to the floor so I could check his injuries. He was dead, ice-cold. He had died at some point along the walk, and we hadn’t even noticed.”

Tom closed his eyes wincing at the pain in Chakotay’s voice.

“I shouldn’t have moved him,” Chakotay said his voice catching. “I should have found another option. His injuries were too severe for him to be moved.”

“There wasn’t another option,” Tom said. “If you had stayed where you were, the Cardassians would have caught all three of you. You know they must have canvassed the immediate area searching for you. Getting underground was the smartest thing to do, that way you could avoid their scans.”

Tom’s voice was soft as he continued. “Terek must have had internal bleeding. Chakotay, you said your ship didn’t return until the next day. Keeping Terek immobile, might have kept him alive a little longer, but he never would have lasted a day. There was nothing you could have done. I’m sorry.”

Chakotay rubbed his hands over his face. “I know. I came to that conclusion years ago, and yet when we were on that planet, and you were lying there unconscious and bleeding, somehow it seemed it was my fault then, and that I had to be careful not to make the same mistake again, or I’d lose you.”

Tom moved closer, putting his arm around Chakotay. “You didn’t make a mistake then, and you didn’t make one today.”

Continuing as if he hadn’t heard Tom, Chakotay said, “When I realized the rain had stopped, I knew I had made the wrong choice. We should have stayed in the Flyer, kept you still. I had no idea of the extent of your injuries; I should never have moved you.” Chakotay’s fists were clenched, and he swallowed hard.

Tom turned to face him. “You’re still not looking at things clearly. You had no idea when that storm was going to end. The longer we had spent breathing the bad air in the ship, the less we would have been able to think clearly. Besides if I had been bleeding internally, that chest rattling coughing from breathing the gases would have been even more damaging. Not to mention, I agreed with you about leaving.”

“You were injured,” Chakotay said stubbornly.

“Physically, but my mind was clear. Besides you were injured too. You had a concussion and had pushed yourself to the limit. Chakotay, you did everything you could. You saved my life by stopping the bleeding. You got the Flyer as secure as possible and got us out of there. We’re both all right, let it go,” Tom said, as he put a hand to Chakotay’s cheek.

Covering Tom’s hand with his own, Chakotay sighed and said, “There wasn’t anything else I could have done, was there?”

“No, love, not a thing,” Tom said quietly and pulled Chakotay into his arms. They stayed that way for a while, neither saying a word, as Tom held the older man, resting his chin on Chakotay’s head.

Tom yawned, and Chakotay moved out from the comfort of his arms. “You need to get some rest,” he said looking at Tom concerned.

“We both need to get some more rest,” Tom said firmly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I am now,” Chakotay said with smile. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Do you know how much I love you?” Chakotay said feeling a lump in his throat.

“Yea,” Tom said with a smile. “As much as I love you.” Chakotay leaned in for a soft, lingering kiss.

“Let’s get some sleep,” Tom said. “I think we can both agree that this day officially sucked.”

Chakotay chuckled. “That’s putting it mildly.”

“I have an idea. How about we run some sort of tropical holoprogram tomorrow. I could go for a little warmth.”

“So long as it doesn’t have any tropical storms,” Chakotay said, silently adding “and no mud.”

As if he could read his lover’s thoughts, Tom whispered softly, “No rain and no mud.” Chakotay hugged Tom, and they both settled under the covers. Tom gave Chakotay one more kiss, called for the computer to turn out the lights and then turned so that his back was spooned against Chakotay’s chest.

The warmth and closeness were wonderful. Chakotay let his mind drift, as he enjoyed the sensation of Tom’s skin against his own. He felt tired, but more like his self again. Tom had been right; talking had helped and things were a lot clearer. Still even though he felt much more rational, his chest ached over how close he had come to losing Tom.

He remembered the longing he had felt when Tom had been dating B’Elanna. When he had believed that the younger man was forever out of his reach. He had thought that had been agony. It wasn’t even close. No, true agony would be loving Tom like he did now, with all his heart, and losing him. He closed his eyes as that fear that had been all too familiar of a companion today washed through him.

Chakotay softly caressed Tom’s body, needing to feel his lover. He needed to know that reality was Tom sleeping next to him. The smooth feel of Tom’s skin relaxed him, and he felt the fear drifting away and his eyes beginning to droop.

His mind wearily thought about Terek. Had he ever really come to peace with what had happened? Only in part. He had been able to admit that there was nothing he could have done that would have changed things but had never been able to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could have done differently. It was out of his control. Just as it all had been today. No, he had never been able to handle situations where the outcome could not be avoided. He moved on, accepted that there was nothing he could have done, but it bothered him. Maybe it always would.

He yawned and felt Tom snuggle closer to him. He planted a kiss on Tom’s back, draped an arm around his lover and closed his eyes. The day’s events seemed to drift into meaninglessness. His mind stopped trying to analyze things and his breathing deepened. Chakotay drifted off to sleep, this day finally slipping into memory.